Phoenix Drivers

From a former Phoenician, provided as a public service announcement:

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS."

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, Your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment and pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. The Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain Freeway. Dunlap Rd. and Olive Rd. are the same street too. Jefferson St. becomes Washington St., but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called the "Black Canyon Freeway" as well as the "Veterans Memorial Highway". And if all that isn't enough to remember SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy pronounce. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.